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big doe rehab • brooklyn bodega • ghostface • ghostface killah • ghostwriter • hip hop • hiphopdx • sneaker head • spaulding

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The Big Doe Takeover

The Big Doe Rehab pt.2

*Last time we we're introduced to Ghostface and his new roomate at the Big Doe Rehabilitaion center, Spaulding H. Forsythe. A over-obsessed sneaker head in need of change...

When I was a snot nose, my pops caught me smoking and sat me down on the stoop and pulled out an entire pack of Newports and said “light ‘em up” and watched me smoke each one of those death-delicious mint sticks until my head popped open and I threw up all over his Rod Lavers. That was some embarrassing sh*t right there, but it proved a point. So the question is, how much money does someone have to have before they chirp up last night’s muffin rolls and three-bean salad?


*illustrations by Jimmy Blags.

According to Doctor Rockport-terrible (aka Hardgrasp), Big Doe Rehab prides itself on its rehabilitation techniques. Each individual gets his or her own path to modest spending and establishing a monetary conscience. I bring up the story of my childhood stoop and my pop’s soiled Adidas because Big Doe Rehab is going to fix Pretty Toney Starks––my roommate and the new owner of my beige rehab slip-ons––by over-dosing dude with doe. Like medication, they bring cash to our room by the duffel bag. Last night, he made me watch as he stuffed his pillow full of crisp 100-dollar bills, gleefully pondering when it was the last time he was able to drool on that much money. He figured it was after he cut that track with Beyonce.

Meanwhile, I’m on your typical rehab path: afternoon classes learning Quicken software, morning sessions on how to properly fill out bank deposit slips, one-on-one therapy with Dr. Hardgrasp, and finally group sessions. Ghost and I are in the same group. Sh*t is more frustrating then watching the Knicks try and run an offensive set. The therapists ask crazy-personal questions and you have to answer honestly. But when they get to Ghost, he’s all like, “Next question.” And then we end up getting his opinion on terry cloth vs. 100% cotton bath robes. So at today’s group meeting, I said “Pass” when the doctor asked me to list all that I have sacrificed on account of my addiction. Of course, they weren’t having that. And when I asked why Ghost could do it but not me, the response was, “Because he’s Ghostface. And he gave us ‘Daytona 500’.”

So I end up admitting some salt-of-my-being type ish––like how my feet are all crusted knuckles and deformity since I sometimes have to wear shoes three, four, sometimes five sizes too small because I just have to have them. Like Japanese foot binding, but with some uber-rare pair of Jordans. Gives new meaning to the black-toe pair.

But after the session, Starks approached me and said some tender sh*t. Like how he understands the need to go to extremes to have what you want. He told me to listen to “Shakey Dog” to see what he’s talking about. And then he said he’d have a surprise for me after dinner.

When I got back to the room, a four legged, paper-mache creation was waiting for me, still dripping, all made from big faced 100 dollar bills. I think it’s a goat. The note said, “Spaulding’s Power Animal. Love, Toney.”


*as told by Spaulding H. Forsythe. Powered by Brooklyn Bodega.

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