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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Is Rap Music Bad For Kids?

Way the fuck back when I graduated from high school with a staggering G.P.A. of 2.01, I got arrested for stealing about $300 worth of tapes and movies from the local Sam Goody at the mall that same summer [1]. While leading the store clerk, mall security and police on a forty-minute foot chase throughout Long Beach, I realized two things:

1) You really can't outrun the cops, no matter what rappers tell you.

2) The whole time I was running, I had Only Built For Cuban Linx... on repeat in my Walkman.

Even back then I had to wonder if the music I was procuring was worth the hiding in department store fitting rooms, and if said music was inherently convincing me that I was the Teflon Don reincarnated (and apparently I wasn't, as my parents reminded me throughout the rest of the summer that you're never too old to catch an ass-whooping). And it seems to be getting worse as time (and shitloads of awful rap music) progresses.

Last week, four fifth grade students were arrested in Louisiana last week for having an orgy in their classroom after their teacher had left the room while one acted as a lookout. Biased asshole that I am, you have to assume that all of the lucky participants in the session come from households whose parents watch episodes of The Wire with their kids. And yesterday Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones was suspended for the entire NFL 2007 season for violating its presonal conduct policy ten different times since 2005, most recently slapping a stripper to the floor and getting a bouncer shot afer making it rain $81,000 in a Las Vegas titty bar during this year's NBA All-Star Weekend.

It's easy to throw the blame on poor parental upbringing and "hard times" on all the scenarios. But in my defense, both my parents are pretty well-off and my grades and attitude didn't go down the shitter until around the time my oldest sister put me on to Ready To Die. With more rap songs centered on misogyny, violence and drug runs being played on the radio more than ever, you have to wonder if the shit will have long-term effects on the so-called "future of America."

To paraphrase Ol' Dirty Bastard, maybe rap music isn't for the children.

[1] I should have been caught too, what with me snatching, among others, such classics as the Fu-Schnickens, that Kris Kross album where the darker jig had lost all his hair to cancer and Shaquille O'Neal's You Can't Stop The Reign.

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