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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

G-Unit Lost

While the humps who frequent this site were busy threatening to kick my ass because I refused to acknowledge that their beloved Mr. Snuffleupagus could rap his way out of the lost city of Atlantis and into my heart, news hit that not only one but two of G-Unit’s finest piff pocketers, Tony Yayo and Spider Loc, were involved in separate random-ass shootings on the same day. While I found it to be the funniest thing I’ve seen since that YouTube clip of The Game’s brother getting ethered for bringing a Crip into Compton (which has got to be the dumbest idea evar), it was pretty low for Jimmy Henchman to pull that off.

You did have to question though how long it would take before there was some kind of comeuppance for G-Unit. I mean, Fiddy himself has been responsible for having a lot a careers stall out (read: taking food out of the mouths of Ja Rule’s 18 kids) to pacify his BALCO-induced desires. Fat Joe had to escape to Miami and get in bed with his Muslim DJ The Great Khali in hopes that he can sell a few more records after Curtis put hands on him. And not only did Tony Yayo Dragon Punch Jimmy’s kid for wearing the wrong t-shirt, but he also shot up fellow Aftermath ganja holder Busta Rhymes’ bling handler because he wouldn’t let him wear one of Spliff Star’s chains for that “Touch It” video.

Note: shooting a weed carrier’s weed carrier = wrong on so many levels. Not to mention a complete waste of bullets.

Shit, when I worked the Vibe Awards a few years back, I think Yayo himself was holding the guy that polished his knuckle game on Dr. Dre’s face while Young Buck damn near sporked him to death. I’m just saying.

Most importantly, it shows that the G-Unit dynasty will never be as strong as it once was. With their records selling as if they came pre-packaged with AIDS, everyone from Dip Set third-tier goons to Black Wall Street door openers are throwing rocks at their throne.

My only pang, however, is going after somebody’s mother. I may be a crass, nihilistic asshole, but even I think that shooting up your rival’s mother’s house is fucked the fuck up. But at the same time, what is she doing still living in one of the roughest ‘hoods in New York? Did Fiddy take all the royalties from “So Seductive” or something?

It was never a good idea for G-Unit to go up against Jimmy Henchman in the first place. Not only are Haitians some of the most hardbody people evar, but Jimmy himself ran with Haitian Jack back in the day, and he was the jig that got 2Pac shot the fuck up in 1994.

The obvious next step is the imminent response that’s gonna come from G-Unit. Perhaps they can actually get good mileage out of Ballerina P and get him to cut a rug with Game, Yu-Gi-Oh!-style. Things have gotten so bad over there that Havoc and Lil’ Fame are forced to produce tracks for Styles P. and Cam’Ron just to keep their lights on.

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