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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Toronto Is The New New York

With the Washington Generals beefing with each other over the last smedium v-neck muscle shirt and shitbag rappers making shitty renditions of shitbag southern songs, it’s safe to say that the city that introduced hip-hop to the masses[1] is going through a bit of an identity crisis. Not to say I didn’t see it coming with an increasing number of hipsters popping up in what used to be the gulliest cities in America[2] and grown men wearing Uptowns modeled after Rainbow Brite[3], but I digress.

New York was once the melting pot for all things hip-hop, from the lyricism down to the gear. Whereas Los Angeles was the one that brought cholo rap[4] (which is something I still regret to this day), the Big Apple had been churning out classic rappers and albums since the Jimmy Carter Administration. But now they seem more concerned with fighting with each other than making good music. When the likes of KRS-One, Kool Moe D and Young MC are now doing jingles for The Best Damn Sports Show Period to keep their lights on[5], something is definitely wrong.

To top it off, other places are effectively snatching the shine from New York. We’re all pretty familiar with how the South is trying to keep hip-hop’s spirit alive, mixed results and all. Perhaps not so quietly, Chicago has been upstaging New York for a couple years now. But the biggest shocker may be how Toronto of all places comes out with better lyricists than New York nowadays. Marco Polo’s Port Authority sounds better than anything New York has put out in the past few years, and T-Dot ambassador Kardinal Offishall - despite his inability to come out with an album in a timely manner - is one of the most ridiculously talented MCs I’ve ever heard.

So where does that leave New York? Unless they can create another shitty, Southern-sounding song that actually sticks, it doesn’t look like they’ll be providing hip-hop with anything other than classically crappy radio interviews.

[1] Whoever thinks James Brown is the father of rap is out of their fucking mind. I do hold him responsible for acquainting it with domestic abuse, however.

[2] Gentrification is a bitch. But if crackas moving into Williamsburg keep crack moving out of it, then who am I to judge?

[3] I kid of course. New York sneakers > Los Angeles sneakers. I’m still waiting on the Air Force 3s to drop over here.

[4] This, however, is the funniest shit ever. Special shouts go to Willy Swagger and Belize for pulling this out.

[5] Well, maybe not so much Kool Moe Dee and Young MC.

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