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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

D.A.R.E. To Keep Rappers Off Drugs

Reason number 859 why hip-hop stinks to high Hell now: rampant drug and alcohol abuse. Think about it: most rappers are higher than gas prices every single day. Hell, most rappers are probably getting fucked up as you read this shit. Considering that drugs are known to alter your state of mind, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that they’ll fuck with any rapper’s cognitive reasoning, leading to the audio equivalent of hot garbage.

While in some cases albums are entertaining while said rappers are on some shit (Muddy Waters is quite possibly the best weed – and who knows what else – fueled album ever), if you’re an already shitty rapper, being under the influence certainly isn’t helping matters. After suffering through Da Drought 3, “Prostitute Flange” and a whole bunch of other shit currently swimming throughout the Internets, I’m thoroughly convinced that Lil’ Wayne couldn’t be a decent rapper even if Baby stopped touching him from the inside during their ecstasy-fueled “studio sessions.” Pause. Actually, I kind of hoped that Weasel was popping pills and smoking weed before he got into the booth; the shit he’s been spewing as of late is on some incredibly random-ass shit. “Leave you missing like the fuckin’ O’Bannon’s?” Clean. “I play basketball with the moon?” Not so much.

To make things worse, weed carriers are getting picked off a la Duck Hunt more frequently than usual. While part of it has to do with the fact that most people view them as expendable roaches – let’s face it; one jig gets his kufi popped off, and two more take his place – I think that it’s more or less jealousy for the fact they get paid and tang just for doing nothing but holding their bosses’ stash for a living. In that sense the animosity towards them is understandable, but what about those that carry for a boss that can barely make the rent? Fat Joe – who already ganked a no-name rapper for his rhyme book [1] – hightailed it out of the country when two of his own piff pocketers got ethered while damn near sitting in his lap. I don’t know what makes less sense: the fact that the shooter picked off two random-ass Mexicans, or the fact he missed Fat Fucking Joe when he lit up their Escalade. I’m just saying.

I believe that today’s rap probably wouldn’t stink so much if the rappers themselves weren’t fucked up all the time. Perhaps they should find other things to spend their money on, like silk shirts with the chest all out or some Louis Vuitton driving shoes. Shit, Kanye West does it, and he’s been tricking the general public into thinking he's a great artist for the past 4 years now [2].

[1] He could have at least stolen Pun’s. I mean it’s not like he needs it anymore.

[2] I guess yoking Daft Punk for their catalogue is that crack now. I just know that someone's gonna jack the loop for "One More Time" soon.

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