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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Rappers And Reverends Don’t Mix

At the risk of sounding less desirable to the three women who read this shit, I am not a religious person [1], nor have I been to church in months [2], nor have I actually stayed awake during a service in years. In my ever-so-humble opinion, religion is nothing more than hypocritical psychobabble scaring the shit out of its followers into following its “guidance” to near-fanatical levels of insanity. However, since I believe that there is a God(dess) out there who is responsible for the directions of all our lives, I don’t really have an issue with anybody who actually looks to religion as a means of “searching for the truth,” so to speak.

My major qualm with the church however is their immense contradictory lifestyle. Alongside a certain, sand-dwelling bunch of towelheads misconstruing the teachings of their random-ass God(dess) and running into crowded shopping centers with C4 strapped to their chests [3] ethering little kids and the like, I personally don’t get down with those who are guilty of doing the same things they preach against and attack.

It’s not unusual nowadays to see preachers running around stunting as much today’s rappers or the pimps of yesteryear. The final draw for me was seeing piss-poor patrons giving what’s left of their WIC checks to some gaudily-dressed minister in a car that’s rims cost more than the piece of shit I drive to work.

But what’s the most fucked up thing is a preacher’s inherent need to taste the flesh of another male, whether it’s the little choir boy who picks up the music books after service or some drugged-out man-whore with some shitbag Southern rapper’s namesake. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I need is some quasi-homosexual hump telling me I need Jesus. That’s some grade-A Fagitry right there.

So with all the internal problems they face on the daily, how does the church feel that they are fit enough to take on hip-hop? Last week I read about some random-ass church’s “Take Out The Hip-Hop Trash” billboard campaign or some shit, and now hip-hop’s first sell-out Kurtis Blow [4] now plans on "burying" the dreaded n-word alongside the NACCP, even going as far as holding a procession for the whole thing.  Pardon my Igbo, but that has got to be the most ass-backward hustle I've ever seen. I mean, who's honestly going to listen to the same organizations that have a penchant for giving dry butt service to little boys instead of Communion?

In light of cracka-ass geezer Don Imus’ infamous statements, I find it sad how every hump comes out of the woodwork to attack the language in hip-hop, as if it is the cause of all the problems in the urban society. What they fail to realize is that they are also perpetrating the issues that plague hip-hop as well. If anything, censorship should start in the family: if parents don’t want their children listening to the shit, then it is their responsibility to make sure they don’t, not some rich-ass fagboy priest. Come on now, would you take Ma$e’s rants seriously? That boy is more confused than anyone.

[1] I am, however, a spiritual person. And yes, there’s a difference.

[2] My moms made me go with her for my birthday.

[3] You know, for a country that’s supposed to have economic inconsistency, they sure do have a shitload of weapons at their disposal. I’m just saying.

[4] He was the first jig to start rapping about Sprite in its commercials. Tell me I’m wrong.

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