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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

10 Reasons Why The Saudi Royalty Is More Gangsta Than Your Favorite Gangsta Rapper

This was supposed to go up Friday, but the powers-that-be at my job insisted I come in bananas early today, so I'm not in the mood to post something new right now. Fortunately, behind every cynical bastard is an equally nihilistic woman, so without further adeiu, here's Drea once again...

Gangsta rap. I spent a large amount of my childhood filling my ears with it. Gangsta rap of all varieties: West coast acts like Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre; East Coast acts (especially of the Queensbridge variety) like Cormega, CNN and Mobb Deep...you name it, I heard it, and probably didn't dislike it. Some of these guys had serious talent, no denying that. But they all claimed that gangsta mentality. See, there's an issue though. That word: "gangsta" - it messes with me. As an unruly young'n I was immersed in an environment that put me into and around a lot of the things that those aforementioned rappers would yap about on their songs, give or take a little here and there. So technically, that should make me 'gangsta' in a sense...right? Somehow, I don't think so. So this brought up a mental conundrum that I was determined to solve. If these guys that called themselves 'gangstas' and 'thugs' didn't really seem to be that, in my eyes at least, then who the hell was? Then I thought back to issues that my mind seems to digest the best - government and politics.

With that being said, here are the 10 top reasons why the Saudi Arabian royalty is more gangsta than your favorite gangsta rapper:

1. Drug dealing.
"You know about them white blocks? Yeah I'm talkin' white squares, move 'em by the two's so they go by the pairs" - Young Jeezy "White Girl"
OK, so these guys like to deal in ounces, pounds, dime sacks, nickel bags...lots of green, a little powder, and probably some whiteboy chemical concoctions that they brew in their basement too.

The Saudis? They'll shit all over your wimpy ass pound. And piss on your bricks. Why? They got TONS. Prince Nayef bin Fawwaz al Shalaan was caught back in '04 moving two TONS of cocaine. And this wasn't to his homeboy down the street who just broke up with his girl. No. This is the international drug trade, and on a whole different level than getting one of your Mexican buddies to hop the border and give you a couple pounds. Oh, and he's not getting in much trouble for it. He's just a 'fugitive' of our country's NARCs. He's probably drinking his Turkish coffee and hitting a hookah in the comfort of his mansion as you read this.


2. Houses.
We've all seen MTV cribs. They got some nice mansion, possibly in Connecticut where they can design the next revolution in sex toys in the seclusion of their own walls, a Scarface DVD, a bottle of Cristal somewhere if they're really ballin' like that, and a neatly made bed that probably doesn't see nearly as much action as they say it does.

This time let's look at Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud, husband of Princess Haifa bint Faisal. This guy was selling his over $130 million Aspen, Colorado vacation home in 2006. It comes complete with 24k gold fixtures, is bigger than the house our current idiot of a president calls his temporary home, and has 16 rooms designated for the prince to take a leak in (I'm sorry, but you just don't need 16 bathrooms). This guy, this one prince ALONE, also owns an estate in England. Don't forget his other family members' cribs, such as the vacation 'palace' of sorts situated in the French Riviera. Shit, these places would put even Scarface's place of residence to shame, and could probably give the palace of Versailles a run for its money too.


3. Rides.
Time to quote Jeezy again, because he's just such a good target. "I went from old school Chevys to drop top Porsches" - "Air Forces". Although I don't fancy them so much myself, a Porsche is undeniably a hell of a vehicle. Well...maybe not in comparison to...

...Our favorite 2-ton moving prince’s 747 jet. Or our ex-Aspen resident's personal Airbus A340. Oh, and don't forget their yachts, with their helicopter landing pads and all that.

4. Loot.
Do I even need to explain this one? Even if a rapper managed to go double platinum 10 times and not spend a dime of their profits, their bank account sure as hell couldn't touch somebody's that has "King/Prince(ss)" attached to their unnecessarily lengthy name. Especially if said royalty is pushing tons of illicit materials on top of the money that political types just seem to inherit out of thin air anyway.


5. Methods of punishment.
Your favorite gangsta rapper probably talks about how he'll blast the head off of anyone who tries to test him, then next thing you know there’s "a body in the trunk son", and they're tossing fingerprint-laced firearms in the river and finding a dumpster in Bumfuck to toss the body in. Basically, they're guilty and they know they couldn't fight the charge so they try not to catch one in the first place. Not to mention they blast fools over some stupid shit (word to Remy Ma).

Well, the Saudis have a different theory. Eye for an eye. And yes, I'm aware that Mobb Deep said the same shit, but I doubt they live it. If you steal from a Saudi? Well, I hope you don't mind getting a couple fingers chopped off...or maybe your whole hand. In public, I might add. And for those that think the American capital punishment system is flawed...they still do public beheadings in Saudi Arabia.


6. Allies.
Gangsta rappers have a close, probably tight knit crew that has each other's backs. I mean honestly, isn't that where the word 'GANGsta' came from? By being a self-proclaimed gangsta (notice I said being ***A*** gangsta, not being gangsta), you should automatically by definition have a crew that has your back. And they probably got some knives, weaponry, an inconspicuous looking whip for a hitch-free drive by, and some dirty gossip on your enemies. OK, that's nice and all...

But who needs that shit when you got access to UN conferences? Not to mention that you're sitting on a country-sized oil puddle. Everybody loves you! Even Mr. "Nuke-u-lar" Bush wants to be your friend! While your favorite OG rapper is running from the feds, the Saudi royalty is getting their asses kissed by them.


7. Enemies.
OK, maybe not EVERYONE loves the Saudis. Because oil isn't everything, is it? If you're hiding in caves all day, you don't need much black gold in your life. Any guesses who I'm getting at yet? I'll give you some time...

Your favorite American-bred gangsta rapper has beef with rival lyricists, Joe-Schmoe on the block who banged his girl in high school and gave his girl the itch, and other so-called 'gangstas' that get in his way. Granted, if an enemy possesses a nice firearm and points it in my face, I'll get a little nervous. These random ass people can still take your life. But are you more scared of random ass hood-thug, or...

Bin Laden? Yep, Osama bin Laden himself. He's not a big fan of the Saudi royalty at all, despite his strong (and very wealthy) ties to the country. And if you ask me, I'd take a gunfight with homeboy down the block's 9mm over Bin Laden's AR-15 and suicide bomber connections any day of the week. Fuck that, homeboy down the street can bring five other armed friends and a couple of rabies-infested pitbulls and I'd still choose that over taking on Bin Laden.


8. Protection.
This one is also pretty simple-minded. Your favorite gangsta rapper probably has a bodyguard, or two, or maybe a few more. And a CCTV system at his crib...car alarms...simple and practical means of self-preservation.

No matter what, a government affiliate of any country will have better self-protection measures at their fingertips because...well...that's just the way of the world, as unfair as it may seem. But we're talking people who got beef with Bin Laden here, and they're still alive. Any self-proclaimed gangsta, regardless of how true to the term they actually act, needs protection. And any self-proclaimed gangsta should be aspiring towards a protection system on the Saudi level.


9. Territory.
Let's just say, I don't see any of your favorite gangsta rappers pulling a "Petoria" (see http://www.flatoz.com/. Click on season 2, and watch episode 218 for 30 minutes of hilariousness) anytime too soon, and until they do...well, holding down a city block or two doesn't compare to holding down one of the biggest countries in your region of the world.


10. Being real.
Rappers are slaves to the entertainment industry (save for underground independent-type artists with their own labels and what not). This means that they must conform to industry standards, which right now seems to be talking about and glamorizing the drug game, gun play, and banging Superhead. Aside from catching an itch from the ultimate music industry hoe, in my opinion it's safe to say that they don't really do so much drug pushing and gun shooting. If they did, they'd be locked up. We all know how black men + the system works. So yeah, I question the authenticity of your favorite gangsta rapper's subject matter.

The Saudi's don't have to talk about the shit they do. Media outlets will talk for them. On top of that, the whole world knows (or has access to info) about the shit the Saudis pull, and yet they're still seemingly untouchable. Even the mafia dons of the early 1900's couldn't pay off enough pigs and politicos to be THAT protected from the law.

<<Disclaimer>> This blog was for entertainment purposes only, and I in no way intend to promote a 'gangsta' lifestyle as one you should hope to achieve, because that shit is not cool. I am also not trying to glorify the actions of the Saudi royalty because, and as with any political leader these days it seems, corruption runs rampant and that's nothing to be proud of. So all you easily-influenced kiddies out there: behave yourselves and stay safe. And credit to Meka for sharing his blog with me for the day.

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