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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Houston, We Have A Problem

In an effort to show coastal parity in hip-hop, I’ve tried to shun my usual rants about the South’s suspect rap behavior, what with them creating retarded YouTube dance moves almost every week, mmm-mmm kissing during BET performances and just making asses out of themselves regularly. Which is no easy task, given that an insane amount of dumb shit happens all the fucking time.

It’s real simple to jump down the South’s tonsils, pointing collective fingers in their direction as the cause of hip-hop music stinking to high Hell right now. But in reality, the ones who should take the blame are those who refuse to twist that phalange toward themselves sometimes. Shit, I’ll admit I’ve “acquired” one too many albums in my heyday, yet at the same time, not only have I bought albums, volunteered my services and supported even the most independent of artists, I’ve been writing for this got dayum site (well, on and off) for almost 2 years now, particularly doing my part to bring awareness to the dumb, deaf and blind since my esteemed overlords threw me this piece of bandwidth in April. Real talk, I can’t even think of the last time I haven’t posted. But I digress.

I’ve already defended the South before a few times on this site, and I shouldn’t have to remind anyone of the contributions that region have given this country, particularly those on a societal standpoint. But while I can’t really knock their hustle, it’s difficult for me to sit back and not talk shit about the hilariously fucked-up situations going on down there, and not just the fact that Louisiana is the only state whose capital is on an island in the middle of the fucker.

When I initially heard Bun B’s rhyming half Pimp C pull rank on the entire region, I instinctively thought that was the greatest (and funniest) thing to happen to them since Andre put away the Liberace wigs and started rapping again. Think about it: it’s different for someone like myself to shit on the South, as I’m not from that region, thus leaving my thoughts resembling delusions of grandeur. But when an elder statesman pulls the same shit, I can’t help but puff out my chest in an “I told you so, bitches!”-style manner.

* stands up from desk, gets on couch and poses with eyes closed and nose up, The Rock-style *

And if you need further proof that the South is in dire straits, look no further than the fact that they’ve cancelled the Houston leg of the greatest hip-hop show this year, Rock The Bells, due to lagging sales. Since I already know Black people don’t give a shit about hip-hop outside of ringtone sales anyways, it really didn’t shock me at all that not even White people would go see it, what with Texans still dragging us porch monkeys behind the back of their rusty pickups every now and then. But now the next question I propose is this: how many of those humps that didn’t buy an RTB ticket got one for that fruitbag, BET-sponsored Screamfest concert?

This is why the South can’t win for shit.

***

And before I forget, DJ Legend is hip-hop. My bad, duke.

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