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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Pussy: The Real Black Gold

If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now. Dave Chappelle

In case you were too busy trying valiantly yet failing miserably to convince me that Orange Juice Jones keeling over and letting his label’s overlords finish the job censorship fears started is the greatest thing to rap since sliced Wonder Bread over the past few days R. Kelly’s much prolonged trial recently started, and it actually seems that after over five years of procrastination duke may actually end up in the slammer for his actions.

I wonder if they’ll stick him in the same bing they stuck Ronald Isley in for his tax evasion case. Then maybe the two of them could stage those epic Mr. Biggs versus Kells battles they portrayed in videos during talent night. But I digress.

If you ask me though (and why wouldn’t you; that’s the reason you’re here reading this now) I don’t think the guy should be tossed in jail for nailing and pissing on a then-underage girl. For starters, he pulled that stunt with Aaliyah [1] years before, and none of us flinched, gave him the side-eye and most importantly stopped buying, illegally downloading and celebrating his music when he did. Second, I saw (and upchucked thanks to) the “evidence” in question, and whether or not that was Robert Sylvester is irregardless when not only the recipient of the Houdini took some sort of payment before getting splatted in her grill, she didn’t even have that combo look of surprise and disgust women do when they get splatted in – much less peed on – their face to begin with. Call me crazy, but something just wasn’t right about that whole thing. I don’t imply that this trial was a setup, I just think that it’s a load of shit to begin with.

To be honest, I feel that if some women weren’t as, let’s say, gracious with the poo-nah-nah, none of this shit would likely have happened. Think about it: men go through chutes, ladders and rings of fire to not only land that one ideal woman but also slide inside some dynamite snatch as is. Alas, most of us don’t really want to go through the rigors of going into debt consolidation because we purchased some ridiculously gaudy materialistic bauble with the hopes of even getting a chance to smell some pussy, so we jump at the chance when a slore such as the one who’s the central focus of the R. Kelly trial is willing to offer it to us for a stick of Fruit Stripe. As a side note, any woman that will shine you up for a stick of Fruit Stripe I’d steer clear the fuck away from, because that is one of the nastiest chewing gums ever produced.

At the same time some women feel the need to have to give up the ass in hopes of attracting a man to begin with. Unfortunately that almost always results in said female being treated like a doormat, essentially turning her from Mother Earth into the Ice Queen, usually shitting on the average male enough to force him to – you guessed it – go after the chewing gum taking city bussdown. And the circle of life continues.

My solution to this? Um, I don’t know really. If women stopped giving up the ass so much, there’s likely to be a spike in violent crimes because guys will use that pent up energy in other manners, but if they give up the ass more then more of these pedophile trials would exist. Lord knows I’ve seen my fair share of 17-year-olds I’ve wanted to pork; if that shit were legal I probably wouldn’t be blogging here so much.

Oh please. Like none of you motherfuckers haven’t thought like that either.

[1] Aaliyah = the prototype. Tell me I’m wrong.

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